Grandpa

 

It is so easy to forget dates, and get caught up in life. That happened this year. I was so busy with trying to make Kyle's birthday special this year that it slipped my mind. It never does, but this year it did. And now that I remember, I feel like I have been punched in the gut.

15 years. How has 15 years gone by so fast.

Why does it feel like it was just the other day that I stood there in the hall way of our tiny two bedroom apartment hearing my mom sob and knowing that he was gone. Why does it still hurt the same way it did back then. It is all so clear, but also a blur at the same time. If that makes any sense. It all happened so fast so that general time in my life is a blur, but there are certain events that I remember all to well. When he passed, when the ambulance arrived, the funeral arrangements, the trips to Brown's mortuary with my mom, the viewing in Santa Ana and the funeral in Mexico. I remember the feeling of being to scared to go into the private viewing room at the mortuary and just staring in from the door and seeing his face briefly. I remember feeling terrified when they were setting up for the viewing in Mexico because it was going to be outside, and they were going to place the casket near the entrance to the house and knowing I would be forced to see him. I remember sleeping in my aunts bed with my sister and cousin. Kimberly was to young to get it, she just got that "Grandpa was going to take a long sleep in the people box" and Katherine and I got it and didn't really know how to deal with it.

My mom, my aunts and my cousins we were all broken that day. A little bit of us was gone. Grandpa loved all of us so much. Us girls were his reason, his reason to take trips to visit us in Orange County, his reason to put up with people so we could enjoy our holidays. We were his girls and he loved us with all he had. And I miss him.

There are so many things that happened after he passed. So many memories that were made, losses we suffered and joys we experienced that I wish he would have been here for. While I know he was in a way present for all of that, I wish I could have held his hand and seen the joy on his face and heard his voice during all of it.

At seven years old I didn't know what closure was, and as I grew older I experienced it for many things. But never for the loss of my grandpa. It was something that was put on the back burner of my mind and always kind of just lingered. Something I knew that I needed to get to.

He is buried to far for me to sit and talk it out to him. It is also something that our family really doesn't talk to each other about, the wound is to deep and unhealed for so many of us. The only thing I can do, is write it down. Writing always does it for me, so I figured why not write it out. Write a letter to him. A letter to help me heal. A letter that people will never read but will hopefully help me move past the pain that he is no longer here.

So here it goes.

Dear Grandpa,
 
Most days I am content with the memory of the time I had with you, but sometimes it is tough. Tough to know that you aren't here any more.
 
Sometimes when things are to much for me to handle, I catch myself driving to Wilmington or to a bridge in LA where I can just watch the cargo ships go by. I know you aren't there in Wilmington, in your old trailer waiting for us to pull up. I know I won't see you working on the docks. But I feel like it brings me closer to you, or the memory of you.
 
I wish you would have been at my high school graduation. To hold me and tell me you were proud and that you loved me. Silly I know because it was only high school. I remember looking out and seeing everyone, and wishing that you were there sitting right next to my mom and dad.
 
There are times I still look for you in a crowd of familiar faces. Every time I see an older man that slightly resembles you, I pause. Most of the time, I silently reflect on how much I miss you, but sometimes I can't and I end up crying like a hot mess and everyone around me is confused.
 
Every time I walk into a mechanic shop, or smell oil, I think of you and your old trailer. I think of how you smelled when you would hug Kimberly and I. I think of that big smile on your face every time we came over.
 
Every time my dad recycles something and turns it into something useful and gives it new life, I think of you and how you never threw anything away because you could use it for something.

Every time I look into my Tio Emilio's face, I see you. When I hug him, I can't let go. Well until it gets awkward and he starts to think something is wrong with me.

Every time we go to Bakersfield, no matter whose house I am in there is a big chance there is a picture of you up. Because people loved you, your family adored you.
 


I have the most amazing little girl now. She is the light of my life, even if I do feel like I am going to go insane most of the time. She is beautiful and so full of life. You would have loved her, and I know you would have been her favorite. It is hard sometimes when all she wants to do is go with grandma and grandpa. Just like you she loves her ice cream.

Every time we go to Baskin Robbins I tell her and Kyle about how my grandpa and I use to walk here every weekend when he came to visit and buy me a scoop of mint chocolate chip and he would get a scoop of rainbow sherbet. They patiently sit there and listen, and my precious baby acts like it the first time I have told her that story every time she hears it. What I never tell them (and what I have never told anyone) is that in middle school and high school, whenever I felt down in the dumps I would sneak on over to that exact Baskin Robbins and order myself a scoop of rainbow sherbet. I still do when it has been just one of those days.

I wish you could have been there the day she was born. The day she started walking, talking and laughing. I wish you could have stood next to all of us on the day she was baptised. I wish you could have held her the way you held Kimberly and I. I wish she could have danced with you. I wish she knew you.
 
I wish you could be here and meet Kyle. That boy has stolen my heart. He knows you through my stories and helps me cope with the fact that I miss you. He lost his grandpa recently, and while I wanted to be there for him 100%, it was hard because I never truly healed from losing you and I knew it would be the same for him.
He makes me so happy, and I am glad we are building  a life together and have started a family. I know you would scold me so much for going about it the way I did. However I also know that just like my mom you would be supportive of me and my happiness.
 
My mom has been my rock lately. She is an amazing grandmother and the best mom. She misses you. I see it in her eyes. Things were never the same after you passed for her. She seemed stuck in this sad place. When Isabella was born, I saw the happiness come back for the first time a little bit. I wish I could help her heal. She is so strong for everyone, keeping the familia together. Please keep giving her strength.

If you were here you would be so proud of Kimberly. We all are. She graduated high school and is off at the University of Alabama. What possessed her to go to school in the boondocks, I will never know. But that fact that she had the courage to go so far speaks volumes for the type of person that she is. I know she struggles like me to keep the memory of you alive. It's hard because as the years go by sometimes the memories start to fade. But Grandpa when she talks about you, she has this look in her eyes and I just know, she loves you so much and holds on to every memory she has. Her favorite picture is one of you two at a family party out in LA.
 
Katherine graduated from the University of South Florida. I remember thinking on our way out there for her graduation about how much more complete that trip would be if you were there with us. I know you were. I know you were watching over us and cheering her on in your own way while she walked across the stage to receive her diploma. My Tia Sally and Tio Cannon seemed so over the moon that day, and who could blame them. Katy has become an amazing and independent young lady.
 
Christina is getting so big Grandpa. I know you never met her, but man I know this girl would have stolen your heart.She is so strong willed and incredibly unique.Tia Sally tells her so many stories about you, I know she feels a connection with you. I wish were closer in distance and emotionally. It is hard with her being so far, but she is my only little cousin and I love her so much. Isabella adores her and her Tia Katy. She thinks that Florida is just down the street.
 
Joanna got married! The first of us to do so. She looked so happy that evening, surrounded by people who love her and standing next to her husband. We all wish you could have been there that day to see your oldest grand-daughter walk down the isle. She looked beautiful, and William truly completes her. He has brought out the best in Joanna.
 


Suehaine is busy training for her second triathlon! Can you believe it. I have a hard time just getting to the gym. Isabella absolutely adores her Tia Sheen. When I had Isabella, I was in a dark and lonely place emotionally and Suehaine helped me through that phase so much, and for that I will always be incredibly grateful.
 
Sometimes I struggle to recall exact memories of the times we spent together, but what I will never forget is the love that you gave me. Because I feel that love, every time I see a picture of you or hear people speak about you.
 
I wish I could go back to those last few months we had with you. If I could do it all again I would tell myself to not be so scared. To go into your room, and hold your hand and be with you.
 
If I could go back, I would have gone up to you and said my final good-bye instead of watching from a distance while others did.
 
Your old Kodak sits in my living room and I see it every morning before I head out the door. It is one of the few physical things I have left of yours. I can not wait until Isabella is old enough, so I can show it to her and tell her about my grandpa and what a strong man he was and how he taught his daughters to be just as strong. Thank you, for helping make my Tia's strong women, because in turn they have taught their daughters the same.
 
Nobody will ever take your place. Your memory will always be with me. Love you forever and always,
 
 
-Andrea