Oh Momma Chia!

 

It is almost 11:30 am and I have already learned a valuable lesson. 

Chia seeds are good. Really good. In moderation. 

I had been meaning to go out and buy a bag of Chia seeds for a few months now. Every time I was at Mother's Market or Sprouts I would totally forget, however with the new year and resolutions that come with it I made it a priority to get my hands on some. So last night I picked some up along with some Almond Milk Yogurt ( trying to slowly say adios to dairy) and Nutritional Yeast (because I swear I am doing this whole "clean eating thing", let's see how long that lasts). 

I excitedly went home and made myself some green tea put about a teaspoon of chia seeds in my cup and sat my booty down to watch the new episode of the New Girl. At first the texture caught me off guard and was like, "ugh it has to get better", and it did! 

Then this morning and Isabella and I were running late yet again, I dumped a big ol' tablespoon (yes tablespoon!) in my morning tea and about half a tablespoon into my cup of yogurt. BAD IDEA. By the time I got to work my yogurt was super thick and chunky and my tea was about a 1/4 full with expanded chia seeds. 

You see Chia seeds absorb around 9x their weight in liquid and well I put a lot of chia seeds in my drink. Lesson learned. I have been trying to eat my yogurt for the past hour and I have not even tried to finish my tea. Chia are packed with fiber, which helps you feel full which is great! Next time I will definitely watch the amount of seeds I add to anything that I make. 

Despite the mess this morning, I am really looking forward to incorporating Chia seeds into my diet, because they are full of good for you nutrients like antioxidants, Potassuum and Magnesium!

Words to live by

(Image Via Dita's Facebook)

I don't diet; I save my indulgences for when it's worth it.

-Dita Von Teese 

Diets & Balance

Diets....oh how I hate that word.

I can not do it! I have tried so many freaking times. I have done a lot of crazy things.
At the end of everyday when I am on a diet, all I can think about is pizza. Thick, juicy, pizza. Yum. Preferably from Porky's.

Now Pizza is not bad for you. Well I am sure it is not exactly  good  for you either, but like it isn't like one slice will kill  you bad. However, when you spend 3 days starving yourself and you can not take it so you go home and buy an XL pizza (with a side order of garlic knots) and you eat like 5 slices and your 3 year old has one-well that is bad for you.

I don't know why I do it to myself. I am a smart girl, I know that every time before I start a diet that I will be in a grumpy ass mood. So why do I do it? Well because I do not like being overweight. I do not like being tired when I go upstairs at home. I do not like going to the movies or a concert and barely fitting in the chairs. I do not like avoiding going out or seeing certain people because of the way I look.  I do not like feeling sad. That is what leads me to crash diet and then a week later, binge eat.

I am not a diet person. It is time I accept that. I do not do diets.

With that said. I need to lose weight and I need to feel better about myself. There has to be a way I can do that...without breaking up with pizza ( because OMG I LOVE MY PIZZA) and without being a grumpy pants, because no one likes a grumpy pants. Especially my three year old and boyfriend.

So today I vow to "watch what I eat", for the rest of my life. It is that serious.

I love eating good food. I love cooking a great meal. I love the around the table with friends and family feeling. 

This does not mean that I can not eat pizza, or flan, or carne asada or past with oh so gooey cheese. It just means I can not eat that way for every meal. Which is what I have been doing for the last 4 years. I have found comfort in food when times were not so good, and when they were really good.

I have to take better care of myself. Diets, work for some. However they do not work for me. My struggle is different and it is my own. I will not let my unhappiness with my weight effect my relationships anymore. I have to be the one in control.

So if I want to get down with some yummy pizza, I should probably get down on that treadmill for at least 30 min the next morning!

There needs to be a balance, right now my life does not have that.

Today I say good-bye to the diets. Good-bye to the sadness and good-bye to the frustration.

I want to find the part of the girl that I was, the happy girl, in the woman that I am today. She is there. I will find her in due time.

Grandpa

 

It is so easy to forget dates, and get caught up in life. That happened this year. I was so busy with trying to make Kyle's birthday special this year that it slipped my mind. It never does, but this year it did. And now that I remember, I feel like I have been punched in the gut.

15 years. How has 15 years gone by so fast.

Why does it feel like it was just the other day that I stood there in the hall way of our tiny two bedroom apartment hearing my mom sob and knowing that he was gone. Why does it still hurt the same way it did back then. It is all so clear, but also a blur at the same time. If that makes any sense. It all happened so fast so that general time in my life is a blur, but there are certain events that I remember all to well. When he passed, when the ambulance arrived, the funeral arrangements, the trips to Brown's mortuary with my mom, the viewing in Santa Ana and the funeral in Mexico. I remember the feeling of being to scared to go into the private viewing room at the mortuary and just staring in from the door and seeing his face briefly. I remember feeling terrified when they were setting up for the viewing in Mexico because it was going to be outside, and they were going to place the casket near the entrance to the house and knowing I would be forced to see him. I remember sleeping in my aunts bed with my sister and cousin. Kimberly was to young to get it, she just got that "Grandpa was going to take a long sleep in the people box" and Katherine and I got it and didn't really know how to deal with it.

My mom, my aunts and my cousins we were all broken that day. A little bit of us was gone. Grandpa loved all of us so much. Us girls were his reason, his reason to take trips to visit us in Orange County, his reason to put up with people so we could enjoy our holidays. We were his girls and he loved us with all he had. And I miss him.

There are so many things that happened after he passed. So many memories that were made, losses we suffered and joys we experienced that I wish he would have been here for. While I know he was in a way present for all of that, I wish I could have held his hand and seen the joy on his face and heard his voice during all of it.

At seven years old I didn't know what closure was, and as I grew older I experienced it for many things. But never for the loss of my grandpa. It was something that was put on the back burner of my mind and always kind of just lingered. Something I knew that I needed to get to.

He is buried to far for me to sit and talk it out to him. It is also something that our family really doesn't talk to each other about, the wound is to deep and unhealed for so many of us. The only thing I can do, is write it down. Writing always does it for me, so I figured why not write it out. Write a letter to him. A letter to help me heal. A letter that people will never read but will hopefully help me move past the pain that he is no longer here.

So here it goes.

Dear Grandpa,
 
Most days I am content with the memory of the time I had with you, but sometimes it is tough. Tough to know that you aren't here any more.
 
Sometimes when things are to much for me to handle, I catch myself driving to Wilmington or to a bridge in LA where I can just watch the cargo ships go by. I know you aren't there in Wilmington, in your old trailer waiting for us to pull up. I know I won't see you working on the docks. But I feel like it brings me closer to you, or the memory of you.
 
I wish you would have been at my high school graduation. To hold me and tell me you were proud and that you loved me. Silly I know because it was only high school. I remember looking out and seeing everyone, and wishing that you were there sitting right next to my mom and dad.
 
There are times I still look for you in a crowd of familiar faces. Every time I see an older man that slightly resembles you, I pause. Most of the time, I silently reflect on how much I miss you, but sometimes I can't and I end up crying like a hot mess and everyone around me is confused.
 
Every time I walk into a mechanic shop, or smell oil, I think of you and your old trailer. I think of how you smelled when you would hug Kimberly and I. I think of that big smile on your face every time we came over.
 
Every time my dad recycles something and turns it into something useful and gives it new life, I think of you and how you never threw anything away because you could use it for something.

Every time I look into my Tio Emilio's face, I see you. When I hug him, I can't let go. Well until it gets awkward and he starts to think something is wrong with me.

Every time we go to Bakersfield, no matter whose house I am in there is a big chance there is a picture of you up. Because people loved you, your family adored you.
 


I have the most amazing little girl now. She is the light of my life, even if I do feel like I am going to go insane most of the time. She is beautiful and so full of life. You would have loved her, and I know you would have been her favorite. It is hard sometimes when all she wants to do is go with grandma and grandpa. Just like you she loves her ice cream.

Every time we go to Baskin Robbins I tell her and Kyle about how my grandpa and I use to walk here every weekend when he came to visit and buy me a scoop of mint chocolate chip and he would get a scoop of rainbow sherbet. They patiently sit there and listen, and my precious baby acts like it the first time I have told her that story every time she hears it. What I never tell them (and what I have never told anyone) is that in middle school and high school, whenever I felt down in the dumps I would sneak on over to that exact Baskin Robbins and order myself a scoop of rainbow sherbet. I still do when it has been just one of those days.

I wish you could have been there the day she was born. The day she started walking, talking and laughing. I wish you could have stood next to all of us on the day she was baptised. I wish you could have held her the way you held Kimberly and I. I wish she could have danced with you. I wish she knew you.
 
I wish you could be here and meet Kyle. That boy has stolen my heart. He knows you through my stories and helps me cope with the fact that I miss you. He lost his grandpa recently, and while I wanted to be there for him 100%, it was hard because I never truly healed from losing you and I knew it would be the same for him.
He makes me so happy, and I am glad we are building  a life together and have started a family. I know you would scold me so much for going about it the way I did. However I also know that just like my mom you would be supportive of me and my happiness.
 
My mom has been my rock lately. She is an amazing grandmother and the best mom. She misses you. I see it in her eyes. Things were never the same after you passed for her. She seemed stuck in this sad place. When Isabella was born, I saw the happiness come back for the first time a little bit. I wish I could help her heal. She is so strong for everyone, keeping the familia together. Please keep giving her strength.

If you were here you would be so proud of Kimberly. We all are. She graduated high school and is off at the University of Alabama. What possessed her to go to school in the boondocks, I will never know. But that fact that she had the courage to go so far speaks volumes for the type of person that she is. I know she struggles like me to keep the memory of you alive. It's hard because as the years go by sometimes the memories start to fade. But Grandpa when she talks about you, she has this look in her eyes and I just know, she loves you so much and holds on to every memory she has. Her favorite picture is one of you two at a family party out in LA.
 
Katherine graduated from the University of South Florida. I remember thinking on our way out there for her graduation about how much more complete that trip would be if you were there with us. I know you were. I know you were watching over us and cheering her on in your own way while she walked across the stage to receive her diploma. My Tia Sally and Tio Cannon seemed so over the moon that day, and who could blame them. Katy has become an amazing and independent young lady.
 
Christina is getting so big Grandpa. I know you never met her, but man I know this girl would have stolen your heart.She is so strong willed and incredibly unique.Tia Sally tells her so many stories about you, I know she feels a connection with you. I wish were closer in distance and emotionally. It is hard with her being so far, but she is my only little cousin and I love her so much. Isabella adores her and her Tia Katy. She thinks that Florida is just down the street.
 
Joanna got married! The first of us to do so. She looked so happy that evening, surrounded by people who love her and standing next to her husband. We all wish you could have been there that day to see your oldest grand-daughter walk down the isle. She looked beautiful, and William truly completes her. He has brought out the best in Joanna.
 


Suehaine is busy training for her second triathlon! Can you believe it. I have a hard time just getting to the gym. Isabella absolutely adores her Tia Sheen. When I had Isabella, I was in a dark and lonely place emotionally and Suehaine helped me through that phase so much, and for that I will always be incredibly grateful.
 
Sometimes I struggle to recall exact memories of the times we spent together, but what I will never forget is the love that you gave me. Because I feel that love, every time I see a picture of you or hear people speak about you.
 
I wish I could go back to those last few months we had with you. If I could do it all again I would tell myself to not be so scared. To go into your room, and hold your hand and be with you.
 
If I could go back, I would have gone up to you and said my final good-bye instead of watching from a distance while others did.
 
Your old Kodak sits in my living room and I see it every morning before I head out the door. It is one of the few physical things I have left of yours. I can not wait until Isabella is old enough, so I can show it to her and tell her about my grandpa and what a strong man he was and how he taught his daughters to be just as strong. Thank you, for helping make my Tia's strong women, because in turn they have taught their daughters the same.
 
Nobody will ever take your place. Your memory will always be with me. Love you forever and always,
 
 
-Andrea

Dear Boyfriend,

I NEED one of these.

 (images via amazon)

Fujifilm Instax Instant Mini Polaroid Camera

Either the 25 of 7s will do.

I just about died when I saw the Hello Kitty one....ummm HELLO!!

Yes please.

My Bday and Christmas are just around the corner you know :)

Momma

The perfect words...at the perfect time.

"You can lean on me bec. my daddy is holding me up :) & God is holding on to him really strong... so it's all good"

I love you momma. You know how to make this girl smile.

To much...

I try my darndest to follow the saying " When the going gets tough, the tough get going." But it is harder these days.

Sometimes life can be a little to much.

 Most of the time, I have no idea what I am doing.  The fact that I make it from day to day without have an anxiety attack or break down surprises me everyday.

Lately, most things in my life feel like a total fail.

Sometimes all I want to do is drive to my parents house and lay in their bed and cry.

Sometimes, mom and dad can make it better.

Sometimes they can't.

The only thing I can do is keep on keeping on. I suppose.

Today, after feeling confused, defeated, annoyed and shaky I found the words I needed to hear.

Sometimes in life, all you can do is leave a situation better than the way you found it.

I have to try to remember that more often. Well remember that and learn to say NO.

I can't solve everyone's problems. Heck, apparently I can not even solve my own.